Relationship rant...

Discussion in 'Chit-Chat' started by mabrodis, Jul 12, 2005.

  1. mabrodis

    mabrodis

    Messages:
    1,150
    Likes Received:
    5
    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2004
    Location:
    Castle Rock, CO
    So if you were married to someone for say 4 years and that person had gone through horrible spouts of depression, other mental problems, physical problems, etc, and you've stayed by their side this whole time, even though they were nothing but cold to you the whole time you stayed because you believed it was the 'right' thing to do...then when there is light at the end of the tunnel, the person tells you that they aren't sure if they want a relationship with you or not (actually has been saying this all along, but you had hoped this would change at some point). How would you take that?

    A. Would you say, F-you, I have stood by you this whole time, doing everything I could, and this is the thanks I get, you are the most selfish bitch I've ever known (insert whatever creative swearing you might come up with).

    -or-

    B. Would you say, I know you don't feel close right now, so let's go to counseling and try to work this out, we've been through alot. (insert whatever uplifting words you might use).

    -or-

    C. Do the 'B' one but when she says no to counseling, go to plan A.

    I am at wits ends with my wife, I have always wanted to stay together as a family, she doesn't...ever. Her packaged response is always "fine then leave" to anything I ask about her or us. Example: (I'm in quotes)

    "Why don't you want to go camping as a family?, Michael would love it."

    Because I don't like you and I don't want to do anything with you.

    "But we are a family, familes do things together, not everything, but they want to be together, they are proud of each other. We are not going to live like this where we live seperate lives like roomates, we aren't roommates, we are married"

    Fine then leave.

    So any relationship experts out there want to chime in?

    I know nobody thinks a relationship problem is their fault, and I'm no different, I don't feel like I have done anything wrong/bad at all...friends that have seen us together just think she's wacked and will never be 'right'...but they are on my side since they known me before she was around and how fun I was, and how they see what she's done to me, not that I'm not fun, don't get me wrong, but for me to be fun, I'm usually doing something by myself, without her, if she's there it's not fun, or if it's fun, she won't go...argh!!!

    Anyhoo...just a relationship rant...any advice would be appreciated.

    Thanks,
    Mark
     
  2. krzyabncanuck

    krzyabncanuck USFS HOTSHOT

    Messages:
    8,717
    Likes Received:
    733
    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2005
    Location:
    NC
    Ouch man. I am sorry to hear this. I am no expert here though so I will wait for one to answer up for ya. I hope you all can work it out before it is really too late.
     
  3. Arya Ebrahimi

    Arya Ebrahimi

    Messages:
    3,378
    Likes Received:
    94
    Joined:
    Dec 2, 2003
    Location:
    Rockville, MD
    How old's the kid, and is it biologically yours and your wifes or a stepkid to one of you?
     
  4. swank60

    swank60

    Messages:
    1,483
    Likes Received:
    232
    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2002
    Location:
    One of Four Presidential Flying Saucers
    Try counseling - if she'll go. Get to the bottom of why she doens't like you, or whatever. A mediator can help you sort through all of this crap, help you find what's going on with you AND her, and what sort of dynamic you two have together. If a split-up is inevitable, the help can get your mind clear as to what is happening and why, and make it less emotional for you as well.

    A friend of mine and his ex-wife tried the counseling route a few years ago, and the wife really didn't like what she was hearing, so she quit going. He still went for a while, and then they split up. She got the kids and the house, and got pretty srewed in the deal, but says he's much happier and less up-tight now that they've split up.

    Look in your area for the Parenting center. You can usually get into some sort of "family therapy" for very little money.
     
  5. bigndn

    bigndn

    Messages:
    4,147
    Media:
    35
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    44
    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2003
    Location:
    Eagle, ID
    From what I've been through and understanding your situation (a little), I'd vote "C". Give counseling a shot and see if there's any hope of turning her around. If that doesn't work, follow through with plan alpha. If it's all give (on your part) and take (on hers), there's definately a big problem. Since she's repeatedly told you, "Because I don't like you and I don't want to do anything with you," have you asked her why she's still there? Do you suspect she's cheating?

    You shouldn't feel like you have to stay, just for the kid's sake. Most times I believe the kids are better off the other way (I didn't have any with mine), so my situation was different, but I've seen the after effects from kids living with parents who don't get along.

    My ex-wife and I went to counseling for almost 2 years (weekly). It just turned into a vicious circle, though. Me in quotes:

    Her: I want more intimacy.
    "If I got some once in a while, I'd be more inclined to be intimate"
    Her: If you were more intimate, I'd be more inclined to have sex.


    As for leaving her.........there's someone out there who will treat you like you deserve to be treated, if she won't. Hang in there. I wish you the best.
     
  6. Jman

    Jman

    Messages:
    1,548
    Likes Received:
    177
    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2003
    Location:
    If ya don't know, I ain't tellin'
    Wow. First, eat a block of cheese . . . I always find that comforting when dealing with similar issues. :)

    Right off, I would do B. Well, maybe C. After my wife and I had kids, they came first, no matter how horrible my wife and I have been to each other at times, that's brought us back to the table. If your wife doesn't see that, uh, well, I don't know WTF to say. Actually, maybe I'd want to say A.

    Seriously, go to counseling--at the very least you both need to find out why she doesn't like you. It will give you more information to work with and demonstrate that you want to make it work out. That way, if it hits the s***ter, you might have a better chance of custody. If she has psychiatric problems, it's already in your favor. (Sorry, really cynical thing to say, but I sort of know you and I don't know her, so I think you should get custody.)

    Does your wife have any friends? (You only mention yours.) Or family? Maybe speak to them, explain that your wife seems to be very unhappy and you want to try to fix anything that might be wrong--if she's told them something that's the root of it, maybe you can figure it out. Then again, maybe she's just crazy.
     
  7. beaufort-fj60

    beaufort-fj60

    Messages:
    4,508
    Media:
    10
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    7
    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2005
    more foreplay than she can handle would probably fix it...
     
  8. tea LC

    tea LC

    Messages:
    181
    Likes Received:
    0
    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2004
    Location:
    Metuchen, NJ
    I can't hold onto a girlfriend for too long so i wont be much help here... but assuming you're both the bio parents, i would do everything humanly possible to make it work to set an example for your son.

    my parents split up when i was in 1st grade and my dad didn't do sh!t to make it work and that impression has been scarred in subconsious and i think he's a d!ck.

    it sounds like your the good guy in this story, but who knows what your wife would say. try to make it work. hold on for as long as you can so at least your son will grow up to admire your determination.

    just my .02
     
  9. trucruiser

    trucruiser

    Messages:
    654
    Likes Received:
    3
    Joined:
    Jun 16, 2004
    Location:
    Northern Colorado
    Im no Expert, but if the love aint there, dont do it just for the kids. Why make everybody miserable?
    life is difficult by its self, you need someone to help you through good times and bad, and if all she is doing is bringin you down you dont need it, there are plenty of good women who would like to have a man treat them right, why settle.
    I know Marriage vows marriage vows, but it also takes two to make it work.
    Next time she says leave, do it two things will happen: 1.) if she loves you she will be back with a newfound respect (if you dont grovel and beg) for you or 2.) she will not want to get back together at which case you know she dont love you and you have lost nothing except some baggage.
    Sorry to be so blunt but thats my 2 cents.
     
  10. Red Herring

    Red Herring

    Messages:
    774
    Media:
    22
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2005
    Location:
    Victopia BC
    What are the chances these issues of hers are related to her depression, or meds that she might be on? Either of those can make a person not see straight, and chances are that it might also be a self esteem issue for her, and she is trying to push you away before you make the first move? Anyhow, is the end really in sight for her mental woes?

    Hard one man... don't really have any good advice. If there were no kids, I'd say dump the bitch (unless she was REALLY REALLY good in bed)... but kids make the situation way more complicated. They might be way better off if you stuck around for a while... but on the other hand, if they witness disfunction as a normal state of being... I'm sorry for you.
     
  11. Doc

    Doc

    Messages:
    5,923
    Media:
    33
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    416
    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2004
    Location:
    Utah
    I'll agreee with most everyone above, and add one bit.

    People who are used to coasting find it hard to put work into a relationship. Right now she may be in a 'coasting' phase. You give and give and give.... it's like being on a tandem bicycle. SOMEONE has to pedal, the other person can pedal, or coast. Eventually if only one person has been pedaling that person will get tired of it and stop, the other person needs to either start working or the journey will end. Ideally, both 'riders' should be pedaling at the same time.

    ie: if you keep puting in all the effort you'll burn out and be of no use to anyone. You, however, can not FORCE her to help you out. Go see someone and talk about it, even if you have to go alone initially. Be honest, and offer to have her go by herself (to the same person) for a while if she wants to do it that way. Eventually she needs to either tell you what her problem is, or get on with life.

    Talk with her doc. Are her meds up to date? Are some cros-reacting?

    Sucky sucky sucky. This stuff is never fun.
     
  12. Doc

    Doc

    Messages:
    5,923
    Media:
    33
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    416
    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2004
    Location:
    Utah
    PS make time to do special things with your son at least once a week. Pick a night, say Tuesdays, and take him out for pizza, a movie, a burger, whatever. Pick one night and stick with it. If momma doesn't want to go, go with your son anyway. Make sure momma is invited though.

    Two reasons:

    1. It will set a schedule of activities any mother would want to be involved in.

    2. It'll allow you to have 1:1 time with him (if she's not into going along) to talk with him and make sure he's OK.
     
  13. e9999

    e9999 You want to do what...? Moderator

    Messages:
    16,619
    Likes Received:
    504
    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2003
    Location:
    US
    sorry to hear this Mark.
    Well, I'd say it's always good to go the extra distance so that you at least have no regret if it does not pan out in the end.
    I'd try and keep in mind that if there are serious depression etc issues at hand, the person may not be thinking straight. So the more reason to hang in there and try to help.
    However, at some point one can also admit that there is nothing left to do, you did your best, and it's time to let go. When is a matter or personal comfort level I would think. Beating a dead horse is just that.
    I'd say just go till you really think you've done enough. Do a bit more still for your Karma and then let go with the message that you'll still be around if help is needed... And in the mean time counseling etc might help too.
    Hard to put in one's shoes without knowing the facts, so sorry if above is useless or irrelevant...
     
  14. bigndn

    bigndn

    Messages:
    4,147
    Media:
    35
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    44
    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2003
    Location:
    Eagle, ID
    When you're married (with or without) little ones, it's not quite that easy, but I definately know what you mean and I've done that before, too.

    Entering into marriage and/or parenthood is nothing to be taken lightly. Some people feel that if their marriage fails (for whatever reason), it's implied that they are a failure or quitter. That's BS, because sometimes it just doesn't work out, since people grow and change. Leaving a marriage is no easy decision, there's emotional and financial stress. mabrodis has endured this form of emotional and mental abuse for 4 years and yet still seeks a method to make it work before packing up.

    If you choose counseling and she agrees, you must be prepared to be totally honest and hear total honesty. My .02.
     
  15. trucruiser

    trucruiser

    Messages:
    654
    Likes Received:
    3
    Joined:
    Jun 16, 2004
    Location:
    Northern Colorado
    The counseling advice is good , but it is only good you two are having problems and there is still a flame burning. but if the love is gone it won't do any good, she will start it and quit going after about 3-4 sessions. Been there. Now i have a great wife who loves my son more than i could ever ask. Oh yeah and me.
     
  16. T Y L E R

    T Y L E R

    Messages:
    2,597
    Likes Received:
    5
    Joined:
    Mar 27, 2003
    My services are available .. anytime after midnite. ;)



    Seriously Mark .. been there (kinda) done that. You need to step up and get out! Room mate living will kill your soul .. your spirit. If you take the big step to getting out on your own, things will settle, and you'll be there more fully (emotionally) for your son. You cannot be forever be available and responsible for your wife's emotional/mental well being. You're only human, and there are professionals who would make an excellent surrogate shoulder.

    Move on ...



    TY
     
  17. bigndn

    bigndn

    Messages:
    4,147
    Media:
    35
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    44
    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2003
    Location:
    Eagle, ID
    Good point.
     
  18. Doc

    Doc

    Messages:
    5,923
    Media:
    33
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    416
    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2004
    Location:
    Utah
    That guy is a nut case.
     
  19. beaufort-fj60

    beaufort-fj60

    Messages:
    4,508
    Media:
    10
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    7
    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2005
    i am going to refer you to post #8

    sex her up good, make her your bitch. It's free and it does not hurt to try
     
  20. mabrodis

    mabrodis

    Messages:
    1,150
    Likes Received:
    5
    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2004
    Location:
    Castle Rock, CO
    Thanks for the advice guys, I haven't even read them all...ditto on the doing fun stuff with my son...yes he is our son, stud looks just like me.. :D I know the feeling of where you should have done something and now you are too bitter to do it...that's kinda us at the moment. You're right TY, living like roomates really breaks your spirit, you are just drained, have nothing left, don't give a crap about anything or anyone (except my son, he's always #1 to me).

    I like the son-time idea Doc...Tuesdays you say...and what do you know, today is Tuesday... :D The sad (I guess) part is that we've been living like this for so long that I'm almost excited to get it over with, not because it will be way easier, but I think would be easier on all of us.

    The wife's meds are up to date, but I just don't know how much of her attitude is her and how much is meds. She's never really been what I would call a 'fun' person, atleast not for 3-4 years, at times fun, but never close in a relationship. I've been dealing with these issues for so long, I useto think it would break my son's heart if we/she left, and I've mentioned it to him before that mommy might not live with us anymore, he was usually like why, but he's done so much stuff without her anyway since she would just sit at home while we drove around Colorado, went 4wheeling, camping, none of it ever with her...which I think is pretty fawked up, if she wants the priviledge of being in a family then there are things you have to do, and sitting on your ass at home when the rest of the family is out somewhere is not one of them.

    I'm obviously bitter about this...she has mentioned several times how if I don't want to deal with her problems, then leave (good 'ol "fine then leave"), since I guess she considers depression and a eating disorder (had over 10 yrs) to be a huge problem...I don't. I see a eating disorder as something she does, not who she is, she's getting help for it, doing good, although she doesn't think so...I don't see how depression or an eating disorder has jack squat to do with how she treats her family. I know my thinking is not really valid here but to me it's wacked, if I'm depressed that doesn't mean I'm going to be mean to anyone, heck I'll usually be nicer to people if I'm depressed and more thankful for my family, not bitch at them...

    Just not sure how long I can take this crap-storm, part of me wants to get the hell out now, part of me wants to try to work it out, part of me wants to leave her at the worst possible time to make her the most miserable...but then god only knows what would happen, since she's not overly stable...I think I should have full custody of our son (and have told her that), she gets pissed about that since she wants him half of the time...I say that's crap she doesn't make an effort to do anything with him now why would she in the future...although she has been doing better with him...how the hell did I get in the middle of such a jacked relationship...argh!!

    Thanks guys, appreciate the concern... :cheers:
     
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.