Joke for the Day

Joined
Nov 6, 2013
Messages
530
The golf enthusiast husband came home from a game of golf and plopped down in his favorite chair and told his wife he was really tired.
She asked how the game went for him and his golf buddy Fred and he told her he did 18 holes and came in under par.
The wife reckoned how that would make one tired but the husband said that wasn't it and told her that his golf partner Fred had a heart attack on the first Tee.
The wife said that was terrible and the husband replied, "You better believe it was, All day long it was hit the ball and drag Fred.
 

76FJ40

Old Fart
 
 
 
Joined
Mar 1, 2002
Messages
4,282
Location
NOVA
A neighbor sold a vacuum cleaner that was missing it's impeller at a garage sale. When asked if it was any good, she responded "It really sucks".
 

doug720

 
Joined
Sep 27, 2008
Messages
3,191
Location
El Segundo or Gardnerville!!!
My uncle is Herald Cox, better know as Harry...Harry Cox. My mom said his first wife's was Beatrice Hoover...Bea Hoover.

I'm sure no one ever had fun with those names...Bea Hoover is kissing Harry Cox...!
 

doug720

 
Joined
Sep 27, 2008
Messages
3,191
Location
El Segundo or Gardnerville!!!
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he
smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do
you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'


To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s***?
 

doug720

 
Joined
Sep 27, 2008
Messages
3,191
Location
El Segundo or Gardnerville!!!
MEN Vs Women

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving, cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel ..
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the rubbish, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
 

doug720

 
Joined
Sep 27, 2008
Messages
3,191
Location
El Segundo or Gardnerville!!!
My wife rolled over in the middle of the night last night, gently caressed my arm and whispered into my ear, "honey. I just had a dream where you bought me the most gorgeous diamond necklace. It was so beautiful."

I rolled over to face her and softly said, "Go back to sleep and wear it."

...Now, if she had asked for a pearl necklace!
 

4mydogs

SILVER Star
Joined
Jun 28, 2011
Messages
319
Location
South Care Linah
Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and... OH...MY GOD!"

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled “For the luvva Jaysus, you should see the back of mine!"
 

doug720

 
Joined
Sep 27, 2008
Messages
3,191
Location
El Segundo or Gardnerville!!!
Two woman on a loaded bus during rush hour were arguing over who should have the last remaining seat on the bus. The conductor was trying to intervene however was making no progress.

From way up front the booming voice of the driver became very clear. "Let the ugly one have the seat."

Both women remained standing the rest of the trip.
 

Weedhopper

Rust Patrol
SILVER Star
 
Joined
Mar 9, 2007
Messages
1,896
Location
HUH ? Oh..... CT
A couple in their 70’s were discussing the wife’s weight, sagging boobs and general aging.

The next morning the husband took a fresh pair of undershorts from his drawer and found them full of white powder.

He yelled to his wife “ what’s this white powder in my shorts ?”

“Miracle Gro” his wife replied.
 
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