I'm thinkin' these fit here.....

Discussion in 'TX- The White Trash of the Elwood Chapter' started by Texican, Jul 9, 2005.

  1. Texican

    Texican s-Moderator

    Messages:
    5,960
    Media:
    175
    Albums:
    7
    Likes Received:
    316
    Joined:
    Dec 17, 2002
    Location:
    Bonham Tx.
    Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whuppin' as issued by the

    Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting or migrating Northerners....

    1. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

    2. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

    3. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

    4. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

    5. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your ass.

    6. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Oprah, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick
    her ass.

    7. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

    8. Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, PamiSue, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your
    ass.

    9. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended,with milk gravy.
    And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

    10. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta or US Airways is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets
    kicked.

    11. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

    12. Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to the Boston Harbor.

    13. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just
    like they did ours.

    14. So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, L.A. or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

    15. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box . . . . . minus your ass.
     
  2. Fireman

    Fireman SILVER Star

    Messages:
    5,427
    Likes Received:
    2,337
    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2003
    Location:
    Iowa Park. TX
    Also, Pine is for dirt naps, NOT BARBECUE.
     
  3. KOWBOY

    KOWBOY President

    Messages:
    5,698
    Likes Received:
    474
    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2005
    Location:
    Diggin' mud
    BY GAWD .... Well done sir! :cheers: :cheers:

    Makes me wanna just go kick some ass! :bounce: :bounce:

    :flamingo:
     
  4. Mace

    Mace rock scientist.. Staff Member s-Moderator

    Messages:
    21,618
    Likes Received:
    2,062
    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2002
    Location:
    Las Vegas

    I woner who that first statement was referring to ;)

    And secondly..

    I heard some Wisconsin Yank wanted to call and give you instructions on how to cook barbeque......


    :flipoff2:
     
  5. dd113

    dd113

    Messages:
    2,922
    Likes Received:
    6
    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2003
    A perfect fit for this forum

    thanx
     
  6. 65swb45

    65swb45 Elder Statesman Supporting Vendor

    Messages:
    23,679
    Likes Received:
    8,392
    Joined:
    Apr 14, 2004
    Location:
    818-953-9230
    2nd that! I think you should add another rule [based on something in recent chit-chat] Thou shalt not slaughter the English language by runnin it thru Ebonics or Spanglish software. It just ain't right! If G-d had wanted us to speak that way, he'd a had us born somewheres else!

    If you start tryin to dumb down our perfectly respectable language, WE'LL WHUP YER ASS!
     
  7. macneill

    macneill Rollin’ on 33s

    Messages:
    4,062
    Likes Received:
    9
    Joined:
    Jun 2, 2004
    Location:
    Port Washington, NY / Edgartown, MA
    That's pretty funny. Hey, can I come down and visit?
     
  8. Fireman

    Fireman SILVER Star

    Messages:
    5,427
    Likes Received:
    2,337
    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2003
    Location:
    Iowa Park. TX
    New York City!!!
     
  9. Texican

    Texican s-Moderator

    Messages:
    5,960
    Media:
    175
    Albums:
    7
    Likes Received:
    316
    Joined:
    Dec 17, 2002
    Location:
    Bonham Tx.
    As long as you don't forget the way back home...... :D :D :D and leave Hillary there.
     
  10. Bodean

    Bodean Hot Damn SILVER Star

    Messages:
    11,361
    Media:
    18
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    3,084
    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2004
    Location:
    Brandon, MS
    And at least in our state - "Dont mess with our flag or we'll whoop yo Ass!"
     
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.