Getting a hair dryer thru customs
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's birthday that is unopened...
What is a woman?
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down. She
will reassure him when he feels insecure and
comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire
him to do things he never thought he could
do; to live without fear and forget...
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl as. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the onders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He...
Jose Cuervo New Year Cookies
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl,check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is...
Interesting things you find out when you have sons, like...
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder...
Quote of the day:
'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and...
Wise--Cracks!
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good...
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME, WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I...
HOW TO CLEAN THE TOILET
This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, p...
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE.'
He went to his wife in the kitchen and announced , 'From now on , you need to know that I am the man of this house , and my word is Law.'
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I'm...
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your...
Preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. 'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher.
'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher...
When you have an "I Hate My Job day"
[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]
Try this out:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson
Be very sure you get this brand. When...
During this unbelievable turmoil on the market, here?s the best investment advice I have heard so far:
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines
one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year
ago, you would have $33.00 today.
If...
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old...
Actual craigslist ad. Reads as follows:
"27ft winnebago with Legand cat 24ft fishing boat, will not seperate, motor home need some brake work and little body work. boat stored partially inside. "
Located in southern Iowa
Pictures below...
There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women...
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, while awaiting their respective flights.
One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a...
Colonoscopy
This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:
.... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterolgist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over...