Monday Chuckle

[KOWBOY]

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[KOWBOY]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

[Bodean]

Mike moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for
$100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said,
'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died.'

'Well, then, just give me my money back', responded Mike.

'Can't do that', said the farmer. 'I went and spent it already.'

'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

' What ya gonna do with him?' the farmer asked.

'I'm going to raffle him off.'

'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

'Sure I can', Mike said. 'Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Mike and asked, 'What
happened with that dead donkey?'

'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a
profit of $898.00.'

'Didn't anyone complain?' the farmer asked.

'Just the guy who won', Mike admitted. 'So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Mike now works for the government

[valkyrie610]

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's when the fight started.....

[911SMIL]

There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do.'
> The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?' Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!'
> Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, ' Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others? '
>
> He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease...and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!'

[cooper4x4]

She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making
Love to a very attractive young woman.

The wife was VERY upset!

'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to
Me a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.

I want a divorce straight away!'

And he replied:

'Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what
happened.

'Fine, go ahead', she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words
you'll say to me!'

And he began:

'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young
Lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and
Defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my
compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made
for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid
you'll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while
She was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I
Threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer
jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because
you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your
anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have
good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you
don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you
bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work
has a pair like them..'

He took a quick breath and continued:

'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked
Her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said
'Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?''

[Texican]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat

a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when

a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head

and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
------------------------------------------------------

[kcsmithson]

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...


Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. Suspicious, the man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. Suspicious, the woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

[KOWBOY]

Good stuff.

[Texican]

He has never seen her naked
A man and a woman were dating.
She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.
"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game.
For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I"ll remove one piece of clothing.
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.
"Go to the road and get hlep," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.
"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.
Along came a truck driver.
Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies:
"Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

[KOWBOY]

In Louisiana, this fella, Boudreaux, had a bad vehicle accident, caused by a truck. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Boudreaux.
Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine"? the lawyer asked.
Boudreaux responded, "Let me told you what happened. Me, I had jus loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da . . "
I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?
Boudreaux said, "I had jus got Bessie into da trailer and I was driving down da road . . ."
The lawyer interrupted again and! said , "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several
weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, "I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and was driving her down da highway when dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. Me, I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into da udder.. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move at tall. But, I could herd ole Bessie moanin and groanin. Me, I knew she was in some kind o' terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a Highway Patrolman, he came on da scene. He herd Bessie moanin' and groanin' so, him, he went over ta her. After he took hisself a look at her, he took out his gun and shot her between da eyes. Den da Patrolman came cross da road, gun in hand, and looked at
me, and said 'How are you feeling?'"

"Now what da hell would you say?!"

[KOWBOY]

Stole this off a thread in the campin' gear section of general tech:

[Texican]

Now this is just Minnesota funny. The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota .There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a tea m of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John Mc. returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.At the end of the 2nd day John Mc. came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John Mc. is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'The next night (after John Mc. returns with 50 fish), said to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is John Mc. cheating?'Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice.

'Experience Counts

[Texican]

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the computer, and poured out my beer.

She's such a bitch.....

[KOWBOY]

A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra.
Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work, but in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his cockatiel eats all of them. Seeing the results and panicking the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer to cool off.
Unfortunately, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife comes home and it is hours later before he remembers the cockatiel. He runs and looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained with sweat and totally exhausted.
'What happened?' the man asks. 'You were in there for hours and yet youre not only alive but youre sweating like crazy?'
The cockatiel pants, 'Man, have you ever tried to pry apart the legs a frozen chicken?'

[Texican]

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,

'Well, she's there.'

[Texican]

There's an old sea story in the Marine Corps about a
lieutenant who inspected his Marines in the field, and
afterward told the 'Gunny' that the men smelled
bad. The lieutenant suggested the solution is that they
should change underwear. The Gunny responded, 'Aye,
aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately!' The Gunny
went straight to the squad tent and announced, 'The
lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to
change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones,
McCarthy, you change with Witkowsky, and Brown, you change
with Schultz. Now get to it!'



THE MORAL: A candidate may promise 'change' in Washington ,
but don't count on things smelling any better.

[nuclearlemon]

hope y'all don't mind me posting these here...figured you guys would get the humor.

this thread helps me get through crappy days at work so figured i could pay you guys back with a bit more humor.

[nuclearlemon]

the solution to high gas prices was amusing this morning also.

though not as amusing as watching the kitesurfer in florida from yesterday.

[66fj40x2]

I've been though this before......

[Texican]

Joe, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM . He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large Building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Joe and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Joe says, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Joe placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Joe , saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Joe replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."


Joe took the money

[KOWBOY]

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired,
'Why the spoon?''
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.
It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.
'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'
I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.
So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.
'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

[FJ60Cam]

I recently picked a new doctor. After a couple visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh, no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my last doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. He looked at me and said, "Then why do you even give a shit?"