Monday Chuckle

[KOWBOY]

Free dues for a year to the buyer.

eBay Motors: 4x4 Buick station wagon 302 V8 (item 110208313061 end time Dec-30-07 18:05:09 PST)

[66fj40x2]

Originally Posted by KOWBOY

Free dues for a LIFETIME to the buyer.

Fixed it for ya....

[KOWBOY]

Tow rig anybody?



eBay Motors: 1987 Custom built Crew Cab Chevy (item 180200715534 end time Jan-07-08 11:18:21 PST)

[KOWBOY]

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said." I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."

[Green Lantern]

Good Ad....
;-)

[KOWBOY]

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him "What did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife" the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."
"That makes sense" said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"
The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'bad dog!'"

[KOWBOY]

A traveling salesman visiting a small town in rural Texas saw a circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Texan". The salesman was curious, so he bought a ticket. The tent went dark. Suddenly, trumpets blared, the lights came up, and all eyes turned to the center ring. There was revealed a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to the table was an old retired cowboy. Suddenly, the old cowboy unzipped his jeans, whipped it out, and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause, and the elderly Texan was carried off on their shoulders.
Ten years later, the salesman visits the same little town, and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same banner warning: "Don't Miss the Amazing Texan". He can't believe the old guy is still alive, much less still doing his act. So he buys a ticket.
Again, when the center ring is illuminated, there stand the table and the old cowboy. But this time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The old guy stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly, whips it out, and smashes the coconuts with three amazing swings. The crowd goes wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible," he tells the old Texan, "but I have to know something. You're older now, so why in the world would you switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," says the old cowboy, "my eyes ain't what they used to be."

[Texican]

Fifteen reasons why men have dogs and not wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

7. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

8. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

9. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

10. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'

11. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

12. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

14. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

15. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

[Texican]

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some p eople have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try miss ing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

[DHONDAGOD]

I dont see what he did wrong?

Mohd (supernot.multiply.com) - How Men Can Screw Up A Romance



Chris

[chattfj40]

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
82.4% of people believe 'em whether they're accurate statistics or not
--Todd Snider "Statisticians Blues"

[Texican]

How to Save the Airlines:



Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every






businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.


Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."


Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to

a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win- win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.


Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?






Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

[wanabecruisen]

How would that work on an airline named Virgin Airlines. I see an uphill battle here!

[smtyblt]

Originally Posted by wanabecruisen

How would that work on an airline named Virgin Airlines. I see an uphill battle here!

It would have to read VIRGIN AIRLINES

[KOWBOY]

Must be an event comin' up ... Cam's done crawled outta his hole again.

[smtyblt]

Originally Posted by KOWBOY

Must be an event comin' up ... Cam's done crawled outta his hole again.

Now thats funny shit right there

I owe I owe off to TEXAS I GO.

You can all give me shit in a couple of weeks.

[chattfj40]

I've done my best to help with Cam's diesel costs...though what I bought will probably only get him to the outskirts of Fredricksburg.

Can't wait!

[smtyblt]

Originally Posted by chattfj40

I've done my best to help with Cam's diesel costs...though what I bought will probably only get him to the outskirts of Fredricksburg.

Can't wait!

I started building it today Todd it should be done tomorrow or the next day.

I got your email I will see what I can do. The one you got pictures of was another customers. Yours will have some extra features

[66fj40x2]

Originally Posted by smtyblt

I started building it today Todd it should be done tomorrow or the next day.

I got your email I will see what I can do. The one you got pictures of was another customers. Yours will have some extra features

Rainbow designs and painted pink with purple poka-dots??????

[Texican]

Why men don't write advice columns

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Dear Ted,

I hope you can help me.

The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out, and the car shuddered to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes! He was in our bed with a neighbor lady making mad, passionate love to her!

I am devastated and don't understand him at all! I am only 29, my husband is 33, and we've been happily married for almost 8 years (or so I thought). And recenlty, we've been discussing having a child.

When I confronted him, he tried gave me a story that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, then went to her rescue, but found her unconscious. He'd then carried the woman into our house, laid her in our bed, and began CPR. When she awoke, she immediately began thanking him and kissing him, and he was attempting to break free when I came back. However, when I asked him why neither of them had on any clothes, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair with our neighbor for the past 6 months! I was shocked and so hurt.
The lady ran out of there half-naked and in a hurry, while he jumped up grabbing his clothes. I was able to calm down a little and then started talking to my husband. I told him to end the affair immediately, or I would leave him. And I told him that we'd need to go to counseling, be willing to commit to do whatever it takes to save our marriage, and maintain open communication in order to work through this. The only excuse he had for his behavior was that when he was let go from his job 6 months ago, he'd been feeling increasingly depressed, worthless, and bored. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum, he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help me figure out what to do?

Sincerely,
Suzy Clark

Dear Suzy,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Start by checking the fuel filter to make sure there is no debris. If it's clear, check the e-clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.

Good luck,
Ted

[Green Lantern]

Ol' Ted should have told her first to check the tank. I've met two ladies at my office that conked out on the highway, only to find that the E stands for empty.
Good joke, keep 'em comin'.
Nick

[KOWBOY]

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.
We observe all union rules."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said .
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
"I'd like her," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.. Then she gestured to a 92-year old w oman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

[KOWBOY]

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them
suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be
breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to
the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and
follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence...... and then a shot is heard.

The redneck's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?

[KOWBOY]

An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
The Irishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's running about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?

[66fj40x2]

House for sale: Beautiful view overlooking stream. Good roads to house.

[Garth]

A beautiful blonde is flying down the road in her red convertible. Soon, she is pulled over by a police officer. The police officer, also a blonde female, asks the driver for her driver's license.

After several moments of looking through her purse, the driver asks, "Okay, what does my driver's license look like?"

"It is a small rectangle with your picture on it", replies the officer.

After a little more digging, the blonde produces a small, rectangular mirror. She looks at it briefly and then hands it to the blonde, female officer saying "Here is is!"

The officer looks at it for a few seconds, then hands it back to the blonde and says, "Okay, you can go now. I didn't realize you were a police officer."

[KOWBOY]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am.. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted

[KOWBOY]

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'
'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Faith and begorra,'said the man, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'
'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey'
asked the blonde Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.
'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the Irishman. 'Tis truly fantastic!'
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed: ' Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!'

[66fj40x2]

Our new tree swing

[Texican]

So, Mike is that your front yard or back?