Chuckle of the day... (1 Viewer)

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate
links, including eBay, Amazon, Skimlinks, and others.

Elderly Man Stopped by Police

Elderly Man Stopped by Police

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “My wife.”
 
Women always say, "giving birth is much more
painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts."
Here is proof that they are wrong. A year or
so after giving birth a woman will often say,

"It would be nice to have another kid". You

never hear a guy say, "I sure would like

another kick in the nuts..."
 
The New 2012 Ford


Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.
 
THE BLONDE AND THE LORD
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject,
and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular
cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens
the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of
the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward! and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied,
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"
 
I don't think this one has made it yet...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET
Workplace Hazardous Materials Information System
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Substance: Woman
Chemical System: Wo
Manufacturer: God
Typical Size: Average weight 115 lbs.; specimens can vary
from 90 to over 200 lbs.
Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and
shopping malls.


PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
--------------------

1. Surface Tension--soft and warm.
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common ore.
8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarminly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to
reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.


CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
--------------------

1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See HAZARDS, #3)


COMMON USES:
------------

1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.


SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION:
-----------------------

1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimen.


HAZZARDS:
---------

1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards.
 
At the Irish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...

"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.
 
The New Husband........

New husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat
surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.' Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
 
leeched from the Europe forum:
credit to Gary.


Old Golfer ...


An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and
heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the
bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer
walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female
bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. "May I help you sir?"

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering young lady,
are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?"

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, "Yes sir, I
sure am."

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, "Well
then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger."

0a6dbeb3.jpg


a92f88a5.jpg
 
Last edited:
My Favorite Animal

My Favorite Animal

Our 4th grade teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.


My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.


He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders.

Guess where I am now"...
 
One thing about a Newfoundlander, he will do anything to help someone!!!



NEWFOUNDLANDER ON THE JURY

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a Newfoundlander was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the Newfie that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the Newfie"s home, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The Newfie replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.
 
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
 
The pissed in my trousers joke.... Still laughing. I really connect with that one, prob because I never thought to put the cash in my front pocket part.
 
A friend hosted a dinner party for family far and wide and everyone
was encouraged to bring all their children as well.

All during the sit-down dinner one four-year-old girl
stared at the uncle sitting across from her.

The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.

The uncle checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in
place but nothing stopped her from staring at him.

He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for
him.

He finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went
quiet for her response.

The little girl said "I just want to see how you drink like a fish."
 
WOMEN


A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad
day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;
to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his
most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome
man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible...


No wait...SORRY.


I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that s***.


Never mind.......
 
ole Blue

A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

“Dad,” he says, “You won’t believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol’ Blue how to talk!”

“That’s amazing,” his Dad says. “How do I get Ol’ Blue in that program?”

“Just send him down here with $1,000” the young cowboy says. “I’ll get him in the course.”

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs

out. The boy calls home.

“So how’s Ol’ Blue doing son?” his father asks.

“Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this - they’ve had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!”

“Read!?” says his father, “No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?”

“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.”

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. “Where’s Ol’ Blue? I just can’t wait to see him read something and talk!”

“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol’ Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the

Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, “So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?”

The father exclaimed, “I hope you shot that dog before he talks to your Mother!”

“I sure did, Dad!”

“That’s my boy!”

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Senator
 
During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."
 
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.


After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.


The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager:

'Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'


The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says,

'You know, I think my girl was dead!'

'Dead?' says his friend, 'Why do you say that?'


'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.' His friend says, 'Could be worse I think mine was a witch.'


'A witch ??. . why the hell would you say that?'



'Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window..... took my teeth with her!'
 
A very refined lady goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. As she doesn't know which one to get, she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark glasses. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10lb test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who passed gas. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
 
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in Full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their Partners at this stage of the pregnancy.



She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make Delivery that much easier." Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."



She looked at the men in the room, "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."



The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments, a man named Patrick at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.



"Yes," said the Instructor.



"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

B
In Search of Land Cruiser for Photoshoot in Fort Lauderdale
Replies
3
Views
414
cruisermatt
cruisermatt

Users who are viewing this thread

Total: 2 (members: 0, guests: 2)

Share this page

Back
Top Bottom