Chuckle of the day... (1 Viewer)

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate
links, including eBay, Amazon, Skimlinks, and others.

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.

He soon begins to design and build improvements.

Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.

Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer: "So, how are things in Hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."

"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"

God insists: "Send him back, or I'll sue!"

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"
 
Dyslectic?

...or is the owner's name "Ana? Either way, not a license plate I would have chosen:

attachment.php
 
First Condom

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen's pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young clerk (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

Then she beat the s*** out of me....

Women have always been hard for me to figure out.
 
Old Men

Three old golfers are walking down the fairway.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like
... you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."

Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a
bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet
all day and nothing happens."

Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at
all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."

Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee
every morning at 6.00 am and poop every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so
tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until seven.
 
A Beautiful Picture of a Falcon Nesting

I’ve received many remarkable nature photographs over the years but this photo of a nesting Falcon is perhaps the most remarkable Nature shot that I’ve ever seen. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Nature is truly breath-taking!

A FALCON NESTING IN A TREE
http://i.imgur.com/YW6Fufm.jpg
 
Not to rabble rouse but why are you in the Florida section Crushers?
 
No I was wondering, Florida is pretty far from BC lol
 
nah, i am straight above you ... by about 1000 miles. i moved to Ontario about 5 years back. I will be visiting your fair state later this spring.

cheers
 
Maybe you brought the cool breeze we had tonight :) you'll have to keep in touch for when you swing South. Will have to make time for a beer or three.
 
Where are you traveling to?
 
off to see Dan and Charles and just to visit, never been down the east coast beyond Long Island and want to give it a shot.
 
A man received text message from his neighbor...

Sorry sir I am using your wife ...

I am using day and night ...

I am using when u r not present at home ...

In fact I am using more than u r using...

I confess this because now I feel very much guilty ...

hope u will accept my sincere apologies...



Man went home and had a big fight with his wife.......

Few minutes later he received another text message...

Sorry Sir, Damn autocorrect mistake ... I was typing wifi not wife...
 
When You're Over 60
------------------------------------

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."


**********

This jerk looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

When you are over sixty who gives a s***?


***********


I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

When you are over sixty who gives a s***?


***********


I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

When you are over sixty who gives a s***?


***********


I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you are over sixty who gives a s***?


***********


I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

When you are over sixty who gives a s***?
 
Another view about alcohol consumption:
Please, take care of yourself A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by a ss holes who drink bottled water, starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks and sheet like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol . They cause three times as many accidents.

This message is sent to you by someone who worries about your safety.
 
Technically, alcohol IS a solution.
 

Users who are viewing this thread

Back
Top Bottom