[dfmorse]

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi*terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.*On the opposite side of the road was a seriously injured but conscious American Marine.
?The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the*highway here, and coming south was that heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
?I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife, scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunken murderer.??So I yelled that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited woman!", and he retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well so does Hillary Clinton!"* "And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

[e9999]

pretty good

[Rhinoliner]

I'm not a senior citizen yet, but I liked this:

A very self-important college freshman at a recent USC football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his own.

"You grew up in a different, actually almost primitive, world," the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "We young people today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars... We even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing .... and uh.."

Taking advantage of a pause for breath in the student's litany, the "wizened" one said, "You're right, Son. We didn't have those things when we were young... so we invented them.. you arrogant little shithead!! Now....what are you doing for the next generation??"

[Shahram]

An Indian immigrant doesn't feel well, so he goes to an American doctor. "Doctor," he says, "I don't feel quite right. I can't say exactly what the problem is, but there is something quite wrong with me." The doctor performs a myriad of tests on the man, and all the results come back perfectly clear. The doctor says, "Raj, these test results indicate that you're one of the healthiest 55 year old men I've ever seen. Whatever the problem is, it's psychological. I suggest you go home and relax. This feeling will go away on its own."

But the man isn't satisfied. He decides an Indian doctor will understand his malady, so he visits one. "Doctor," he says, "I don't feel quite right. I can't say exactly what the problem is, but there is something quite wrong with me."
"Don't worry, Raj," says the doctor, "I have just the cure for you. Buy a big Ziploc Freezer Bag. Then, go out and drive on the highway until you happen upon some road kill. Put the road kill in the bag, then make a big crap inside of the bag, on top of the road kill. Seal the bag, and then leave it to bake in the sun. Twice a day, open the bag, put your face in the bag, and breathe in the fumes."

Raj is shocked at the doctor's advice, but he follows it to the letter. He gets a freezer bag, finds a three days dead possum on the highway, puts it in the bag, takes a nasty diarrhea crap on top of it, and twice a day sticks his face in the bag and breathes. Miraculously, within a few days, he is cured! He returns to the doctor for a followup.

"Maharishi!" yells Raj, kissing the doctor, "Your cure was marvelous! But so curious! Tell me, what was the secret?"

"Oh Raj," says the doctor, "It is very simple. You were only homesick."

[BHMCruiser]

So wrong.

And yet so right.

[adidasprof]

A not so bright employee is talking to his boss. He tell his boss that he's been feeling really down lately and needed something to sort of "pick him up". The boss tells his employee, "when I feel like that, I just go home and have wild sex with my wife." The next day the employee walks in feeling great. The boss asks him if he took his advice and the employee replied, "I sure did and it was the greatest sex I've ever had....by the way, you have a very nice house"

[mot]

A man goes to a bar and sits down at the counter.

Another man walks in, walks over to the counter, slams his hand on the counter yelling: "I bet I can sing Perry Como's song out my butt!".

Everybody dares him to do so and so he proceeds and gets on top of the counter, drops his pants down, squats, and drops a big, greasy turd right there on the counter.

Apalled by what he's done, the first man asks "What the hell was that for?" and the half-naked man replies as he's standing up "I needed to clear my throat before I got started!".

Mot

[shocker]

A married man is pressured by his wife to go see the doctor for a physical, for no other reason than she feels he hasn't been in too long.

He sits in the waiting room, thumbing through magazines, when the doctor walks by and looks at him.

"I can tell you really don't want to be here", says the doctor, looking at the man's chart. "Tell you what. Come with me to this back room, and I'll show you something that will make this quick and painless."

In the back room is a large shiny machine, freshly installed and barely used.

"All you have to do is pee in this cup. I'll run it through the machine and it will tell me everything that's wrong with you", the doctor continues.

Seeing a chance to get out of there quick, the man eagerly obliges. Unzips pants, pees in cup, hands it to the doctor.

The doctor pours its contents into a funnel on the top of the device, turns it on, and stares at the monitor.

"Says here you have tennis elbow."

"Tennis elbow? But doctor.... I don't play tennis, I don't play golf, I don't do ANY of that! Tennis elbow?"

"Well, like I said. It's a new machine, there may be some bugs in it sill. Tell you what. I'll give you this cup. Go home, and when you think you need to urinate again, go in it. Bring it back in the morning, and maybe by then I can have the technicians fix the glitch.”

So the man takes the cup home. When he has to go, he pees in the cup.

But thinking about it for a while, he gets agitated. Here this doctor is, charging him an arm and a leg for his expert opinion… when all he’s doing is running piss through a machine.

So he takes the cup and has his wife piss in it. Has his daughter piss in it. Goes out to his car, removes the dipstick, and swirls it around in the cup. After a few more minutes, he goes into the bathroom and masturbates into it.

The next morning, the man arrives back at the doctor’s office. “Come on back”, says the doctor. “I think we’re ready.”

The man walks into the back room, sees the technicians put away their diagnostic tools and leave. He hands the sample cup to the doctor as a slight smile creeps across his face.

“Ok”, says the doctor, as he pours it’s contents into a funnel on the top and turns on the machine.

The man’s joy is almost uncontrollable now, and he almost bursts out laughing when the doctor, staring at the monitor, gets a perplexed look on his face.

“What’s it say?”

“Hmmmm…….”

The man lets out a giggle.

“Well… it says your wife has gonorrhea. Your daughter is pregnant. Your car? It needs its oil changed. And if you don’t quit jacking off that tennis elbow is just going to get worse.”