[LoveTractor]

I just had this emailed to me and I got a few chuckles.
Again, it was emailed so some of the tabbing is messy.


*Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers**

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
************************************************** ************

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
727?"


************************************************** *****************

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:

"I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify
yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"


************************************************** ***************

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:

"United 329 heavy, your traffic
is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got The
little Fokker in sight."

************************************************** *************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting
to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


************************************************** ***********

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long
Roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted:

"American 751, make a hard right turn at the End of the runway, if you
are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101,
make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

************************************************** ***********

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard
the following:

Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany . Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"


************************************************** **************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we
lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern
702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes,
we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


************************************************** *****************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled
out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted
comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute
little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with
a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have
enough parts for another one."


************************************************** *********

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the
following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British
Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location
now."!

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been
to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And
I didn't land."

************************************************** **

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with
a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US
Air crew,
screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right
onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I
know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but
get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever
to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you
to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and
I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I
tell you! You got that, US Air 771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance
engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Spook50]

That's some funny chit right there. I remember once during a deployment we were doing an engine run, I was running ground on our jet and the guy upstairs starts in "So there I was, balls deep in this guy's ass..." and then instantly we all heard over the jet's radio "Aircraft 5-0 be advised, you're transmitting on Strikehawk". Strikehawk being the name of the frequency used for central control of all airborne combat aircraft in the area

["N8"]

That stuff is f-ing hilarious.

\

[theside00]

Good stuff right there

[Polak]

Those are great.

We had a newb on ground control at IND last winter during a little snow storm. We do not have ground radar and he got a little flustered when he lost sight of the field. His fustration peaked and he shouted over the ground freak, "Everone hold your positions while I get this sorted out." Right after that, what I believe was a SW pilot that had just been cleared for take off says, "fawk that Jack, we're outa here!".

An ATA flight that had been holding on the airfield for a 45 minute delay was released. It was winter and the flight was heading to Vegas. They had missed their deicing window by 30 minutes and while the aircraft was being deiced again the capt. gave his cabin an update. Unfortunately he forgot to switch over radios and transmitted his anouncement over the ground freak. It started with "Well folks, the idiots here at Indy have decided we can go....." Guess what, the idiots at Indy didn't let them go.

2:15a.m. tower calls for an airfield ops agent several times with no answer. Finally the controller demands an answer and the ops agent responds with "go ahead." The controller asks the agents location, he responds with "Room #105, Building #2." The controller says, "What are you doing there?" The agent says. "taking a dump."

[beaufort-fj60]

Subject: FW: Blonde Joke

THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS
UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT
ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE
WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON
AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE
CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN
ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE
SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER
SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON
AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE
WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO
REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE?
I'LL HANDLE THIS.
I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE.
I SPEAK BLONDE".

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH,
I'M SORRY."

AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID
TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON."

[stevek]

Polak--do you work IND Tower?

[Polak]

Originally Posted by stevek

Polak--do you work IND Tower?

Nope. I work in Engineering for the Airport Authority. Also I've worked airfield ops, and am still on the airfield snow team. Hence why most of my stories are winter time.

[Taildragon]

Hey, good to see some common interest people. I was a first officer for Chicago Express Airline (ATA Connection), for a while. Did you ever see our parking setup there in IND.
We (pilots) called the refuge camp for turbo-props.
Not sorry that place disappeared. JT

[scottm]

Fun stuff! Three airline pilots in my family, plenty of stories like these. Cockpits are frequently tense and serious, as they should be, and moments of humor are rare.

[beno]

Originally Posted by scottm

Fun stuff! Three airline pilots in my family, plenty of stories like these. Cockpits are frequently tense and serious, as they should be, and moments of humor are rare.

Until you guys/gals leave the cockpit and hit the local bar where fights ensue!!

[stevek]

Originally Posted by beno

Until you guys/gals leave the cockpit and hit the local bar where fights ensue!!

You arent kidding there. All the serious drinkers I know are involved in aviation one way or another!

[Polak]

Originally Posted by Taildragon

Hey, good to see some common interest people. I was a first officer for Chicago Express Airline (ATA Connection), for a while. Did you ever see our parking setup there in IND.
We (pilots) called the refuge camp for turbo-props.
Not sorry that place disappeared. JT

Uhhhhhhh, Don't hate me, but I handled the design and layout of that. I didn't care for it either. But when ATA said they wanted to do a remote ground load operation, we didn't have a lot of options. We were all taking bets on how long before a stray pax got their head caught it one of the props. There was one incident where a kid, maybe 5 or 6, took off running while boarding. Those were a few tense moments. He was retreived and I'm sure he got his ass tanned, although if you ask me it should've been the parents at the end of the lash.

AJ

[Polak]

Originally Posted by beno

Until you guys/gals leave the cockpit and hit the local bar where fights ensue!!

Ha, local my ass, some don't even get out of the concourse before their first shot. I don't blame'em though, stress from all the reg's they have to follow and stress from their company/carrier.

As a casual traveler I could give less than a shit about "on time" airlines, I want an "in one piece" airline.

AJ

[BrettinSanAntonio]

SHORT FINALJanuary 22, 2007
Short Final

Email this article |Print this article

Heard on Denver approach frequency

Approach: Great Lakes One Twenty Three, traffic six o'clock, two miles, 1000 feet above you, a 737.

Great Lakes: Approach, Great Lakes One Twentv-Three, if I told you I could see him, I'd be lyin'.

Approach: If you told me you could see him, you'd be my mother, 'cause you'd have eves in the back of your head.

[BrettinSanAntonio]

Short Final...
December 27, 2004
An oldie, but a goodie...


A fighter pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running, "a bit peaked." A controller responded and the lore follows...

ATC: Roger. You're number two behind a B-52. They've had to shut down an engine.

Fighter Pilot: Ah, yes ... the dreaded seven-engine approach.

[Taildragon]

Those props are pretty scary, we had a ramp agent in MKE walk into one churnin, results, not pretty. Its funny you bring up the kid thing, that always scared the bejesus out of me in the summer when we would keep the rt side turnin for A/C.
I wasn't slammin the parking area, it just seemed as you said, there weren't alot of options to put all those planes.
BTW, Polak are you going to any national tlca events. Me and some buddies are headed out to cruise Moab, can't wait.

[Polak]

Originally Posted by Taildragon

BTW, Polak are you going to any national tlca events. Me and some buddies are headed out to cruise Moab, can't wait.

Not this year. Did GSMTR last year and had a great time, but this year the $ is going to build the new 80 up. Moab is deffinately high on the priority list though.

[scottm]

Originally Posted by beno

Until you guys/gals leave the cockpit and hit the local bar where fights ensue!!

Yeah, I've heard plenty of stories. That doesn't seem to happen in the major airlines much. When I was hired, the average hiring age was 40, with 15 years experience of crap flying and little chance of getting a job with a major.

Fatigue is a constant battle for aircrew, 16-hour days at painful hours are common, pilots are usually looking for somewhere to rest after a flight. Most of the stories in the majors are about some pilot making a remark that offended someone, and he got fired. Or some incident got in the paper, and they found a way to pin it on a pilot not following an obscure or unclear rule, and he got fired. It's a crap life of weekends alone in cheesy hotels, living out of a suitcase, usually coming home tired to a family you wish you knew better. Regional and military flying isn't much better, but the pilots are younger. Barfights are the last thing I'd expect from this gloomy bunch.

[concretejungle]

Originally Posted by scottm

Fatigue is a constant battle for aircrew, 16-hour days at painful hours are common, pilots are usually looking for somewhere to rest after a flight.

That was a major problem when i worked for a NASCAR team with the private jet pilots. Between owners, crew, guests, and drivers, the pilots were up and down all the time. Soon, pilots and a lot of the crew developed cocaine problems. I guess that was their way of staying up.